FADE IN:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
PHIL ROGERS, a plain-looking man in his mid-twenties, sits in
a La-Z-Boy in front of a muted TV. Cartoons play silently.
His apartment is tidy and full of bookshelves, with a few
movie posters on the walls, like Jaws and Alien.
He speaks into a cellular phone.
PHIL
(halfheartedly)
Hey, ladies, this is, um, Phil, if
you're looking for a good time with
a man who'll treat you right, give
me a call.
He takes the phone away from his ear and pushes a button. He
grimaces, and then pushes another button.
PHIL (CONT'D)
(still into the phone)
Hey, all you beautiful girls out
there, Phil Rogers wants to show
you a good time; in addition he is
a non-smoker with a stable income
who likes to perform oral sex...and
talk about himself in the third
person.
He pushes the same two buttons again, dejectedly.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Hi, my name is Phil Rogers, I just
moved into town and I'm bored as
hell, I have a track record for
getting dumped for arbitrary
reasons, somebody take pity on me
and please call me back.
He pushes a button definitively.
PHONE VOICE
Thank you for using the Hot 97 FM
Sizzle-Line! Hope things are--
Phil hangs up the phone and the voice cuts off.
He unmutes the TV. It BLARES.
WOODY WOODPECKER
Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Hahahahahahaha!
INT. CUBICLE FARM - PHIL'S CUBICLE - DAY
Phil sits at his desk at work, eating lunch. He is
surrounded by an endless maze of gray cubicles.
He bites into a baloney sandwich. Half of the contents of
the sandwich fall out into his lap, leaving a big mustard
splotch on his pants.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO sticks his head into Phil's cubicle. He is a
tall, slim man with slicked back hair, and a hoop earring in
each ear.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Hey Phil--
He enters the cubicle.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO (CONT'D)
Ooh. Sandwich burn. I've seen it
before. Those composite
lunchmeats, they're vicious.
Phil laughs.
PHIL
I think I'm switching to peanut
butter.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
C'mon, there's some Spray-n-Wash in
the break room. It should take
care of that.
They leave the cubicle.
CUT TO:
INT. CUBICLE FARM - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
They walk down a hallway towards an open area.
PHIL
I can't believe it. I thought
moving to the city would make my
life better.
Cletus nods.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Anything's better than Nebraska, I
told myself.
CUT TO:
INT. CUBICLE FARM - BREAK ROOM - CONTINUOUS
They enter the break area.
Cletus rummages around in a cabinet near the floor.
PHIL (CONT'D)
But no. Ever since I got here,
it's been nothing but getting
ignored or shit on by people and
pigeons.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
And sandwiches.
He pulls a spray bottle out of the cabinet.
PHIL
I even tried that Hot 97 Sizzle
Line dating service...there's was
an exercise in futility, let me
tell you.
Cletus sprays Phil's pants with the substance
sympathetically.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
(flirtatiously)
You know, we should get together
some time. I bet I can cheer you
up.
Phil sighs and dabs at his pants with a napkin.
PHIL
That would be great.
He looks into Cletus's eyes sincerely, like the country boy
that he is.
PHIL (CONT'D)
You're a great friend, Cletus.
Cletus shrugs coyly.
CUT TO:
EXT. PHIL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - EVENING
Phil pulls up to his apartment building, but can barely get
his car through the driveway because a moving van on the
street is blocking most of it.
CUT TO:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER
Phil unlocks the door to his apartment. He still has mustard
on his pants.
A MOVER pushes a gurney down the hallway.
Phil looks confused.
Two more MOVERS come out of the stairwell carrying a coffin.
Phil does a double take.
The movers walk past him with the coffin.
MOVER 1
Don't look at me, man, we just
carry the stuff.
ANTIGONE CARTWRIGHT enters from the stairwell. She has black
hair and wears heavy black eyeliner and dark lipstick. She
has on a black vinyl trench coat. She carries a taxidermied
two-headed squirrel.
ANTIGONE
Okay, guys, that's everything.
Just lean the casket against the
wall.
She notices Phil
ANTIGONE (CONT'D)
Oh. Hi. I'm Antigone.
She tucks the squirrel under one arm and extends her hand to
Phil.
ANTIGONE (CONT'D)
Antigone Cartwright.
They shake hands. Phil stares at her in awe and wariness.
ANTIGONE (CONT'D)
And you are....
PHIL
Oh. I'm Phil.
(beat)
Nice coffin.
ANTIGONE
(breezily)
Thanks, it was my dad's.
Phil looks terribly shocked, but she appears not to notice.
ANTIGONE (CONT'D)
Anyway, I have to get to unpacking,
but I'll see you around, neighbor!
She winks at him, turns around, and walks back to her
apartment.
The last mover leaves as she enters. She closes the door.
MOVER 1
Kids today, no respect for the
dead.
CUT TO:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT - MORNING
Phil eats a bowl of cereal and watches TV. The news is on.
NEWSCASTER
In local news, a Sage County man
was arrested last night after
trying to rob a gas station with a
caulking gun. Police say--
There is a knock at the door.
Phil gets up and answers it.
It is Antigone. She is wearing a flowing top showing a lot
of cleavage.
ANTIGONE
Hi, it's Phil, right?
PHIL
Yeah, sure.
His eyes are wide and he is enthralled with Antigone's
beauty.
ANTIGONE
Can I borrow some coffee filters?
Phil blinks.
PHIL
You drink coffee?
Antigone looks at him strangely.
ANTIGONE
Yeah...
PHIL
Not blood?
She rolls her eyes.
ANTIGONE
Oh for Christ's sake, man, I'm not
actually a vampire. Haven't you
ever seen a goth before?
PHIL
(grimacing)
I think the best answer to that
would be, "Come into my apartment,
beautiful lady, while I remove my
foot from my mouth."
Antigone laughs and enters.
PHIL (CONT'D)
So, are you from around here?
ANTIGONE
Yeah, I just switched apartments,
the rent across town was killing
me.
He grabs a box of coffee filters from on top of his coffee
machine.
PHIL
Um...
ANTIGONE
Go ahead and ask.
PHIL
Do you sleep in the coffin?
Antigone opens her eyes wide and inhales in frustration.
ANTIGONE
I'm not going to dignify that with
a response.
PHIL
(wounded)
But you said I could ask.
ANTIGONE
Fair enough. But I'm still not
going to answer that question. I
mean, do you live in a hole?
She snatches the box of coffee filters from Phil and takes a
few out.
The TV continues to squawk in the back ground.
NEWSCASTER
We now go to Amanda Sarkov with the
weather. Amanda?
Phil grabs the remote and turns it off.
PHIL
(sheepishly)
Well, I am from Nebraska.
ANTIGONE
Provinciality is no excuse.
She thrusts the box back into Phil's hands.
ANTIGONE (CONT'D)
Thanks for the filters. I'll see
you around.
She walks toward the door.
PHIL
Wait, hey, do you want to maybe
hang out some time?
ANTIGONE
Well, I'm pretty busy with work and
my coven and all, how about I get
back to you? Bye now.
She leaves and closes the door behind her.
CUT TO:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Phil stands at Antigone's door and talks to her.
PHIL
Can I borrow a cup of sugar?
CUT TO:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - ANOTHER NIGHT
Phil stands again at Antigone's door.
PHIL
Can I borrow some sugar?
She ducks behind the door and immediately emerges with a full
measuring cup.
CUT TO:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - ANOTHER NIGHT
Phil stands once again at Antigone's door.
PHIL
Hey, do you have any sugar?
Antigone throws a 10 lb. sack of sugar at him and closes the
door.
He catches it in the stomach and staggers back.
CUT TO:
INT. CUBICLE - DAY
Phil sits at his desk fiddling with a large drawing of a
motor.
He stops and picks up the phone. He dials.
PHIL
Hello, Kat? It's Phil.
CUT TO:
INT. MESSY DORMROOM - CONTINUOUS
KAT ROGERS sits on a bed in a messy college dorm room. She
has white-blonde hair and is dressed eccentrically.
KAT
Hey man, what's up? How's the
razor business treating you?
BACK TO:
INT. CUBICLE - CONTINUOUS
PHIL
Pretty rough. Hey, you want to go
grab a pizza later? I need to talk
to you about something.
CUT TO:
INT. MESSY DORMROOM - CONTINUOUS
KAT
OMG, big city Phil needs advice.
Teh strange.
BACK TO:
INT. CUBICLE - CONTINUOUS
PHIL
Free food for the starving college
student. You really want to pass
that up?
CUT TO:
INT. MESSY DORMROOM - CONTINUOUS
KAT
I'm in. Pick me up at 6, okay?
Buh-bye now.
BACK TO:
INT. CUBICLE - CONTINUOUS
Phil hangs up the phone. He turns around to see Cletus
standing in his doorway.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Making a date?
PHIL
No, just talking to my cousin. She
goes to school near here.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Ah, good. We still on for Friday
night?
PHIL
Yeah, we're golden. The steaks are
marinating in my fridge.
Cletus raises an eyebrow.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Nobody ever cooks for me.
He bats his eyelashes sarcastically.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO (CONT'D)
I'll catch ya later, farmboy.
He leaves.
CUT TO:
INT. MALL PIZZERIA - NIGHT
Kat and Phil sit in a booth sharing a pizza. The
restaurant's decor is glaring and full of primary colors.
PHIL
So she moves in with this coffin,
and a medical table thing, and all
this weird stuff.
KAT
Uh-huh.
PHIL
She is so beautiful. But I think
she hates me.
KAT
Why? You practically just met her.
PHIL
Well, she didn't react very well
when I asked if she was a vampire.
Kat smacks her forehead with her palm.
KAT
Do you live in a hole?
PHIL
That's what she said...
He shakes the ice in his drink and sips it through a long
straw.
Kat rummages through her purse. She pulls out some lip gloss.
KAT
So does this fair gothic maiden
have a name?
She begins applying the lip gloss.
PHIL
Antigone Cartwright.
She stops mid-lip.
KAT
Ang-tig-oh-ee Car-rye?
She puts down the gloss.
KAT (CONT'D)
She's practically famous.
PHIL
Practically?
Kat rolls her eyes.
KAT
She draws Black Hearts and Wilted
Flowers.
Phil stares at her blankly.
KAT (CONT'D)
It's a webcomic. She has a couple
of zines out too. Zines. Indie
magazines. Indie as in
independent. As in not corporate.
As in not McDonald's.
PHIL
Yeah, thanks Miriam Webster, now
what do I do?
Kat snaps her purse shut.
KAT
You pick up the check.
CUT TO:
EXT. ABERRANT BOOKS - DAY
Phil walks up to a tiny store front with a sign reading
"Aberrant Books". He enters, and a bell jingles.
CUT TO:
INT. ABERRANT BOOKS - CONTINUOUS
A pierced and tattooed hipster, WESLEY, staffs the counter of
the store and talks on the phone. There are racks of comic
books and bookshelves stuffed with new and used books.
Phil approaches the hipster.
WESLEY
I swear, if we get one more poser
in a beret looking for Naked Lunch,
I'm going to beat them with their
own messenger bag.
PHIL
Excuse me, do you have Black Hearts
and Wilted Flowers?
The hipster looks at him with cultural disdain.
WESLEY
Hang on, Barry.
He puts his hand over the mouthpiece.
WESLEY (CONT'D)
In the back, between the
Alternative Lifestyle and the
Adult. Natch.
Phil walks to the back of the store.
The Alternative Lifestyle section is full of gay indie
comics, chapbooks, some old issues of Hothead Paisan, and
inexplicably, Batman.
There is a curtain across the Adult section with a sign
reading, NO UNDER 18 ALLOWED--ALL CUSTOMERS MUST SHOW ID.
The Goth section is full of titles like Johnny the Homicidal
Maniac, Lenore, everything else published by Slave Labor
Graphics, Sandman, and at the bottom in a row of hand stapled
zines, a few of Antigone's books.
Phil grabs one of each. They have hot pink covers with black
writing. As he is bent over, a BELL rings at the door.
WESLEY
Antigone!
Phil freezes.
ANTIGONE
Salutations, my friend.
Phil looks around, and then darts behind the curtain into the
Adult section.
WESLEY
Someone was--
Wesley notices his maneuver.
WESLEY (CONT'D)
Oh no, I think we've got a
masturbator.
Wesley picks up a microphone. He taps it. STATIC comes out.
WESLEY (CONT'D)
(into microphone)
Sir! Please return to the counter.
I need to see your identification.
Wesley waits a beat.
Phil cowers behind the curtain.
Wesley drops the microphone and stomps off to the back of the
store, followed by an amused Antigone.
Phil grabs the first book he sees and stuffs the zines inside
it so Antigone won't see him buying her books.
The clerk draws back the curtain.
WESLEY (CONT'D)
Sir, I need your ID.
Phil tries be nonchalant. He takes out his wallet and shows
the clerk his drivers license.
Antigone turns her head sideways to look at the book Phil
pulled off the shelf. She smiles amusedly.
ANTIGONE
The Complete Guide to Bottoming?
Funny, you don't seem the type.
Phil stammers.
PHIL
Why yes, I bottom all the time.
He begins walking backwards out of the store. He sets the
book on a table.
PHIL
In fact I could write the book...so
I don't need the book. I'll be
going now. See you later.
ANTIGONE
Bye now.
Phil stumbles and knocks over a stack of newspapers and then
dashes out the door.
WESLEY
Was he high?
Antigone sighs.
ANTIGONE
No, just awkward.
CUT TO:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Phil and Cletus sit at his tiny kitchen table finishing up a
meal.
PHIL
I'm a small town boy at heart. I
hardly know what to do with myself
since they transferred me here from
Omaha.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Ah, see, I grew up here, so I'm
used to it. I lived in San
Francisco for a while, but I
couldn't keep that up. More wine?
PHIL
Sure.
Cletus pours Phil a very large glass of red wine.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Hey, that's plenty.
Cletus shrugs.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
You don't have to drive.
PHIL
True. I will be sleeping well
tonight, though.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Not if I can help it.
There is a long pause. Phil looks around awkwardly.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO (CONT'D)
So. What's for dessert?
CUT TO:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT - LATER
Phil and Cletus sit on Phil's couch playing a martial-arts
video game on a vintage Nintendo system.
PHIL
Have at you!
Cletus ignores the game and inches closer to Phil on the
couch.
VIDEO GAME VOICE
FINISH HIM!
Phil button mashes with a flourish and kills Cletus's
character. Cletus drops the controller in resignation. He
looks Phil in the eyes.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
I was never any good at this.
Phil smiles genially.
PHIL
It's all in the thumbs. One more
round?
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
(sighing)
No, I really should be going. It's
pretty late, and I have to get my
car off the street.
They stand up.
PHIL
Let me walk you out.
CUT TO:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
Phil's door opens and he and Cletus walk out.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
(romantically)
I had a really good time tonight.
PHIL
Yeah, me too.
Antigone's apartment door opens.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
So...will I be seeing any more of
you?
Phil looks confused.
PHIL
Well, yeah.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Great.
He puts a hand on Phil's shoulder and tilts his head
sideways. Phil backs up against the wall, narrowing his
eyebrows in confusion.
Antigone comes out of her apartment. She turns to lock the
door but notices the two men in the hallway and stops.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Well. Good night.
Cletus leans in and kisses Phil passionately. Phil struggles
in shock and surprise.
Antigone stares for a beat and then giggles loudly. She
walks in their direction, towards the stairwell.
Cletus and Phil turn to look at her.
ANTIGONE
(as she passes them)
Aww, you guys are adorable.
Phil's jaw drops in horror.
PHIL
But...but I'm. Shit.
The stairwell door slams shut.
Cletus steps back. He wears an expression of the utmost
innocence.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
What?
Phil blinks twice and explains slowly and loudly.
PHIL
I'm. NOT. GAY!
Cletus reacts outrageously, spitting and wiping his mouth.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Oh gross, I can't believe I kissed
a straight boy, ew...
As Cletus continues to freak out, Phil returns to his
apartment and closes the door. He locks it with a loud
CLICK.
CUT TO:
INT. CUBICLE FARM - HALLWAY - THE NEXT DAY
Phil walks in a rush down a corridor. He carries a stack of
unwieldy blueprints.
He turns a corner and runs straight into Cletus. The
blueprints go flying.
Phil is sprawled on the ground. He and Cletus stare at each
other.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Oh. Hi.
PHIL
Hi.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Um, lemme help you with those.
PHIL
It's the least you could do.
They gather the blueprints.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Look, I'm really sorry. You really
threw off my gaydar.
PHIL
What did it? Are my loafers too
light? Should I get rid of the
soul patch? Do I need to put a
sleazy calendar in my cubicle as a
secret sign that I'm a hetero?
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Phil, you're--
PHIL
(cutting him off)
Am I too nice? Do straight guys
not use manners in the city? Maybe
if I grunted and scratched myself
more I'd--
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
No, it's not that. It's not your
fault.
Cletus sighs.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO (CONT'D)
Look, is there anything I can do to
make it up to you? You wanna get
some lunch?
PHIL
No, I have a meeting with the
design team, and I don't need any
more gay dates, thank you very
much. The only girl I've had any
remote interest in since I came
here thinks I'm gay now, so I might
as well just fortify myself in my
cubicle and fall in love with my
work. At least electric
razors...well no, they're not
comforting at all, but they're
better than kissing you!
A co-worker, SALLY, looks out from a cubicle. She CLICKS her
tongue.
SALLY
What is this, a lover's spat at the
office? Get a room.
She goes away.
PHIL
See what I mean?
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Everyone does not think you're gay.
I was just being too...hopeful.
Wishful thinking, is all. You are
cute, you know.
Another co-worker, JON, passes them. He chimes in.
JON
I'll say! You're sizzling,
girlfriend.
He sashays away.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Maybe it's worse than I thought.
PHIL
Man, I'm late for my meeting.
We'll have to continue this
incredibly embarrassing
conversation later.
He stomps off.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
(dejectedly)
Bye.
CUT TO:
EXT. PHIL'S APARTMENT - EVENING
Phil walks up to the building, returning from work. Antigone
is just exiting.
PHIL
Oh, hey! Antigone, wait up.
She stops.
PHIL (CONT'D)
I just wanted to talk to you about
the other night.
ANTIGONE
Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Didn't
mean to interrupt your date.
She smiles warmly.
PHIL
That's just it. It wasn't a date.
I'm not really gay. In fact, I
have several references who can
prove it to you, including two who
have had sex with me.
Her smile fades quickly.
ANTIGONE
That's nice, Phil, but it's really
okay. You don't have to be afraid
to be who you are.
PHIL
But I'm not gay. Hey, to prove it,
can I take you out some time?
He smiles unconvincingly. She puts her hand on his shoulder.
ANTIGONE
Look. I can't live your life for
you. But living a lie is no way to
live. By all means, go back in the
closet. But when you're ready to
talk about how you really feel,
give me a call.
She walks off. Phil watches her walk away, dejected.
CUT TO:
INT. BOARDROOM - DAY
Phil is in a meeting. ROD MISHRA talks and points to a
PowerPoint slideshow with a laser pointer. He swishes the
pointer in circles for emphasis.
ROD MISHRA
(self-importantly)
You see, as a razor company, we
deal with the bad reputation as
brokers of suicide implements. We
need to find a way to de-maximize
the utilization of our products for
self-annihilation activities.
Phil does not pay attention. He doodles on a report full of
corporate babble. He writes "ANTIGONE" in swirly letters and
draws a heart around it. He daydreams.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CHEESY DREAM SEQUENCE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT
Antigone, wearing an elegant and revealing Victorian gown,
sits on a tombstone, dabbing at her eyes with a delicate
handkerchief.
Lightning strikes. THUNDER booms.
ANTIGONE
I am so lonely, now that my beloved
has passed beyond the silken
curtain into the lands beyond!
She pulls a dagger from the folds of her dress and caresses
it.
ANTIGONE (CONT'D)
Oh happy dagger! With this, I join
him!
Before she can stab herself, there is an explosion in front
of her. Out from the cloud of smoke appears Phil, dressed as
a vampire.
PHIL
(with a fake European
accent)
My beautiful gothic rose. My sweet
Antigone. Did you really think I
could stay dead with so much to
live for?
They embrace. He shows fangs, and is about to chomp on her
neck, when she puts out her hand to stop him.
ANTIGONE
Wait. Aren't you gay?
CUT TO:
INT. BOARDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Phil stares off into space with a dazed expression on his
face.
ROD MISHRA
Phil, you're in touch with the kids
today.
He startles back to attention.
ROD MISHRA (CONT'D)
What's hip? What's cool? What's
fresh? What's the word on the
street?
Phil stares back for a minute.
PHIL
Um. Well. Vampires are always goo-
ROD MISHRA
Vampires! Brilliant. Sandy, take
a note. Kids like vampires.
Roger, do a google search for
"vampire razor suicide prevention
fun" and see if we have any
competition. I want a vampire
razor cartoon public service
campaign, and I want it to sell!
Phil rolls his eyes and leans back in his rolling chair. He
goes back to doodling.
CUT TO:
INT. CUBICLE FARM - BREAK ROOM - LATER
Cletus sits in the break room flipping through a magazine.
He looks around furtively, then takes a flask from his jacket
and dumps it into his coffee.
Phil enters.
PHIL
There you are. I've been looking
everywhere for you.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Why, to lead me on some more and
then slap me at moment of climax?
Phil looks puzzled.
PHIL
Um, no.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Too bad, that might be kind of fun.
What's on your mind?
PHIL
I figured out a way you can make
things up to me.
He sits down at the table with Cletus.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
(in a low voice)
Oral sex?
PHIL
No!
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
I'm kidding, calm down.
Phil composes himself, then begins to talk excitedly.
PHIL
I know this is a weird thing for a
guy to say, but I need a makeover.
I figure, if she doesn't like
regular Phil, and thinks regular
Phil is gay, maybe Phil needs to go
away for a while.
Cletus raises an eyebrow.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
I thought you weren't supposed to
talk about Fight Club.
PHIL
No no no, it's not like that. I
mean, I want to look like one of
those vampire people and have a
cape and stuff. Like her.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
You mean be goth?
PHIL
Exactly. I want you to make me
goth.
CUT TO:
INT. HOT TOPIC - DAY
Phil and Cletus browse the racks of clothing at the pop-goth
mall store.
Phil looks up at a rack of tee shirts.
PHIL
I hardly know any of these bands.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
That doesn't matter. If someone
challenges you, just say you liked
their old stuff better. Now
practice.
(scoffing)
You listen to Pantera?
PHIL
(tentatively)
I liked their old stuff better.
BILLY, a surly teen, turns around from looking at boots.
BILLY
So did I. They were so much less
pretentious.
Cletus gives Phil a knowing glance.
Cletus browses a rack of glasses frames. He selects a pair
of black-rimmed "emo glasses" and hands them to Phil.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Try these on.
PHIL
I don't wear glasses.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Doesn't matter. Everybody who's
anybody has this same pair of
glasses.
PHIL
You don't.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
I only wear them for reading.
Phil puts the glasses on and looks in a wall-mounted mirror.
He smiles. Cletus caresses a feather boa in the background.
CUT TO:
INT. SALVATION ARMY - DAY
The two cohorts stroll the aisles of castoffs. Phil is
weighed down under the tall pile of clothes he carries.
Cletus stops every few feet and adds something else to the
pile.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Ooh, pleather. You'll have to try
this on.
PHIL
Isn't used pleather a little
unhygienic?
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Eh, we can boil it or something.
CUT TO:
INT. SALVATION ARMY - LATER
Phil tries outfits on. Cletus waits outside the dressing
room.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Come on, let's see.
Phil emerges wearing battered, paint-splattered work pants, a
used black shirt that says "I'm into heavy fretting", the emo
glasses, and a black trenchcoat.
PHIL
I feel like I should go shoot up my
school or something.
Billy sticks his head out from the next dressing room.
BILLY
Violence is never the answer,
brother.
Cletus grabs something from under the bench.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
There's only one more thing you
need. Besides a livejournal and
some eyeliner.
He hands him a messenger bag.
PHIL
A purse?
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Shh! Someone might hear you!
(conspiratorily)
Never call it a purse. This is a
messenger bag. Cover it with one
inch buttons and you'll blend right
in at any poetry slam or protest
march.
PHIL
But it's a purse.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
It's not a purse.
PHIL
Yeah it is. You put it over your
shoulder and keep stuff in it.
It's a purse.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Women carry purses. Cool people
carry messenger bags.
PHIL
What about cool women?
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
(with emphasis and awe)
They carry both.
Phil nods slowly.
CUT TO:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT - LATER
Phil sits in the La-Z-Boy with a bright light shining over
him. Cletus leans in with an eyeliner pencil.
PHIL
OW!
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Sorry. I've never really been a
makeup gay.
Phil bites his lip.
PHIL
What if this doesn't work? She'll
see right through me, I'm sure.
I'm a failure. I'm worthless.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Turn that into a poem and you'll
win her heart.
There is a KNOCK at the door.
Phil gets up and answers it.
CUT TO:
I/E. PHIL'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Kat is at the door. She is dressed in high goth fashion.
KAT
(stunned)
Who are you and what have you done
with my cousin?
She enters.
BACK TO:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
PHIL
What are you doing here?
KAT
I was in the neighborhood doing
some shopping so I thought I would
stop by...what is going on?
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
I'm Cletus. I accidentally made
everyone think Phil is gay, so I'm
giving him a goth makeover to help
him get the girl next door to date
him.
She shakes her head at what is going on.
KAT
This is ridiculous. You can't just
go shopping for a day and decide to
join a subculture.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Why not?
KAT
(ranting)
It's a slap in the face to our
subversion of the dominant
paradigm. It usurps the
countercultural hierarchy. You
just...shouldn't, is all.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Whoa, college girl, slow down.
Phil looks uncomfortable.
PHIL
Why don't I make us some coffee?
KAT
You're so domestic, it's adorable.
He gets up.
KAT (CONT'D)
Anyway, subcultures aren't just
about dress. They're
about...culture. You can't make
yourself over as a walking
stereotype and expect to pass.
It's an insult.
She looks over at Phil earnestly.
KAT (CONT'D)
If you want to be goth to win this
girl's heart, you're going to have
to work.
MONTAGE - PHIL PRACTICES BEING GOTH
INT. MESSY DORMROOM - NIGHT
Phil and Kat watch The Lost Boys. Phil makes notes.
INT. MALL PIZZERIA - DAY
Phil practices looking disdainfully at people who pass him by
at the mall. He ends up just looking weird. He scares a
small child who passes by.
SMALL CHILD
Aaah! Daddy, it's a homosexual!
He gives up.
INT. CONCERT THEATER - NIGHT
Phil and Cletus stand in the back of a packed rock show.
Phil dances jerkily, but Cletus instructs him in swaying
lethargically while staring off into the distance.
INT. ABERRANT BOOKS - DAY
Phil, Kat, and Cletus enter the store. Wesley, the hipster
clerk, waits on them, but does not recognize Phil from the
incident before. Phil purchases a large stack of books and
comics.
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Phil lies on his bed reading through the books he purchased.
His bedroom is littered with clothes, books, magazines, cds,
safety pins, fabric scraps, and craft supplies. He has
evidently been busy.
He closes his copy of Interview with the Vampire and lays his
head down next to it on his pillow. He closes his eyes and
falls asleep.
END MONTAGE
CUT TO:
INT. ABERRANT BOOKS - DAY
Wesley and ROXANNE, a fat goth girl wearing a fairy tee
shirt, stand around the register and chat.
WESLEY
I am not stocking V.C. Andrews.
Period.
ROXANNE
But teen incest is so goth!
Phil walks into the store wearing his new scenester threads,
glasses, and carrying his messenger bag.
Phil rings the bell at the counter.
PHIL
(cluelessly)
Hey, do you have Naked Lunch?
Wesley glowers at Phil for a moment, then breaks out into
laughter. Phil laughs too.
WESLEY
Rox, this is Philippe.
ROXANNE
(perkily)
I'm Roxanne.
Phil gives them a nervous wave.
WESLEY
So, what brings you here?
PHIL
Oh, nothing much, just...
Phil looks down at his hand. Conversation notes are written
on his palm.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Pondering my existence, really.
The meaning of it all.
ROXANNE
And so it brought you here. Well,
there's not much meaning to be
gotten out of Wesley, just hipster
posturing and insults.
WESLEY
Hey! They're not insults, they're
snide remarks. There's a distinct
difference.
Roxanne rolls her eyes and pulls a flier out of her pocket.
ROXANNE
So Antigone's having a housewarming
party this weekend. She got this
new apartment on the west side.
She passes the flier to Wesley.
ROXANNE (CONT'D)
Philippe, do you know her?
She's...Wes, what is she?
WESLEY
Beautiful, talented, neurotic, left
handed, brews her own mead, size 5
shoe, allergic to horses...you know
the drill.
Wesley passes Phil the flyer.
WESLEY (CONT'D)
It should be a good time. She
won't mind a few extra people, will
she?
PHIL
No! I mean, no. I--err--well,
I've been...shut in contemplating
my existence so much lately that an
outing would do me, um, substantial
good. That's what I mean.
Roxanne narrows her eyebrows at him and laughs.
ROXANNE
Alright then. I'll see you there.
Phil leaves the store, visibly agitated.
CUT TO:
EXT. ABERRANT BOOKS - CONTINUOUS
Phil jumps up into the air.
PHIL
YES!!!!!!!!!
He then skips off down the street.
BACK TO:
INT. ABERRANT BOOKS - CONTINUOUS
Wesley and Roxanne watch Phil's eccentric performance through
the store window.
ROXANNE
That boy does need to get out more.
CUT TO:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Phil is dressed in paint-splattered black jeans and a black
tee shirt. He wears a black fedora.
Loud music and noises are coming from Antigone's apartment.
He takes a deep breath and knocks on her door.
The door swings open and a giant Norwegian woman dressed in
bondage gear, HUSQVARNA HAZENDAGEN, appears, carrying a
feathered mask. She speaks in a vague Swedish accent.
The apartment is packed with people dressed in a variety of
costumes, all with masks. Loud industrial music blares from
a stereo set up on top of a couch in the middle of the room.
HUSQVARNA
Velcome to de abyss. Come een.
CUT TO:
INT. ANTIGONE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Phil enters. She grabs his arm roughly.
HUSQVARNA (CONT'D)
Vat is your name, so that I may
announce you?
PHIL
Phi-phi-philippe. Philippe Rojay.
She thrusts him into the crowded room.
HUSQVARNA
LADEEZ AND GEENTLEMEEN! PRESENTING
MEESTER PHEELEEP ROWJAY!
(to Phil)
I see your vorgot your mask. Zat
is okay.
Phil is swept into the crowd. Thrusting bodies dance to the
music. He bounces off of the people in the crowd.
He puts his hands up in front of him to try to steady
himself. He accidentally grabs a pair of breasts with
nipples covered only in electric tape.
He looks up at the face in horror--it is Kat, wearing a
kitten eye-mask.
PHIL
Aaaargh!
KAT
Aaarrgh!
They both recoil. She laughs, but he is still freaked out.
KAT (CONT'D)
Phil--er, Philippe, I'm glad you
made it. You're a little
underdressed, though.
PHIL
Or overdressed.
He stares, then shudders away.
KAT
Didn't you see the flyer? It's a
costume ball.
PHIL
They said it was just a little
party...
KAT
Whatev.
Wesley, dressed as the Phantom of the Opera, grabs Kat's
hand.
WESLEY
A dance, fair lady? Or maybe just
a grind...
He pulls her away. She squeals.
Phil is alone in the crowd again. He spies a beverage table
in the far corner. He tries to make his way there.
He squeezes between two FAT GIRLS dancing very
enthusiastically, runs a gauntlet of people doing swaying
lackadaisically, and finally ducks to avoid being
clotheslined by Husqvarna's gesturing arm.
HUSQVARNA
Vere I come from, ve dance like
zis!
He makes it to the beverage table. There is a huge spread of
bottles of pop and alcohol. He pours himself a drink.
ROXANNE
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin?
PHIL
What? Oh, hi.
Roxanne is dressed as a flapper.
ROXANNE
Where's your costume?
PHIL
I'm. Well. I'm a homicidal
maniac. They look just like
everyone else.
Roxanne grins.
The song changes. It is incredibly loud.
PHIL (CONT'D)
(shouting)
Have you seen Antigone?
ROXANNE
What?
PHIL
Have you seen Antigone!?
ROXANNE
Have I seen Rigby? Like Eleanor?
I can't hear you!
The lights go out.
HUSQVARNA
Oh noes!
Phil fumbles around in the dark. A little light comes in
from the windows, but that's all.
He finds a doorknob. He opens it and enters, closing the
door behind him.
CUT TO:
INT. ANTIGONE'S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
PHIL
Shit.
ANTIGONE
Hi.
PHIL
Aaaaah!
Antigone flicks a zippo. The flame lights up the room. They
are in her bathroom. A dark curtain covers a window above
the bathtub at the back of the room. A toilet is just in
front of it, with a small sink.
She is dressed in jeans and a tee shirt. She does not wear a
costume.
ANTIGONE
Hey, you missed the memo too.
Phil relaxes a little.
Antigone lights some candles on the bathroom sink with her
lighter.
ANTIGONE (CONT'D)
Have a seat. I just cleaned in
here.
PHIL
I noticed it smelled rather fresh.
They laugh.
Phil sits down on the edge of the bathtub. Antigone sits on
the closed toilet.
ANTIGONE
I'm Antigone. I live here. Who
are you?
PHIL
Philippe.
Antigone laughs.
ANTIGONE
The circuit breakers to my
apartment are in here. I flipped
them all off. Maybe that will make
everyone go away...
PHIL
But it's your party.
ANTIGONE
Not anymore. Wesley and Roxanne
got the idea to advertise it as a
costume ball...all I wanted was a
few friends over to watch Buffy
DVDs or something. What I got was
half the city geared up to have sex
on my living room floor, and a
stranger hiding out in my bathroom
with me.
PHIL
Oh fuck. I'm sorry. I'm...well,
I'm a stranger and I should leave.
He stands up.
ANTIGONE
Well at least you're a casual
stranger. Stick around. I'm
hoping people will leave once the
lights stay off. Goddess knows
they wouldn't listen to me when I
tried to herd them out.
PHIL
At least we have the candles.
CUT TO:
INT. ANTIGONE'S BATHROOM - LATER
Phil and Antigone are laughing.
PHIL
Is that why you poke holes in
yourself? To let the anger out?
ANTIGONE
Hey, my piercings are an
expression. They're a
manifestation of my status as
willing outcast from body
capitalism.
Phil takes off his hat and twirls it around in his hands.
PHIL
Sounds radical. How many do you
have?
ANTIGONE
Nine. I'd offer a closer look, but
we just met.
Phil gulps. She laughs.
ANTIGONE (CONT'D)
Maybe later.
Antigone stands up and peeks out the bathroom door.
PHIL
Are they gone?
ANTIGONE
I can't believe it. They're still
fucking here.
CUT TO:
I/E. ANTIGONE'S BATHROOM/ANTIGONE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
The partygoers are still crowding the apartment. A
candelabra has been lit. They stand around drinking and
carousing.
WESLEY
I found batteries!
There is a cheer from the crowd. Moments later, music starts
up again.
BACK TO:
INT. ANTIGONE'S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
ANTIGONE (CONT'D)
They dug up my fucking candelabra.
I know I didn't unpack that.
She slams the door and climbs into the bathtub. She knocks
Phil backward into the tub.
PHIL
Oof!
ANTIGONE
Sorry.
PHIL
What are you doing?
She fiddles with the latch on the window above the tub.
ANTIGONE
Drastic measures. I'm not staying
in this fucking bathroom all night,
and there's no way I'm dealing with
all those drunks.
PHIL
I'm sure we could--
Antigone pops the window open and it slides up.
ANTIGONE
Coming with?
PHIL
Um, sure, I guess.
Antigone climbs out the window and onto the fire escape.
Phil sticks his head out. He pushes his shoulders through
the tight space, and slides through all the way, knocking all
the knick-knacks off the window ledge into the toilet.
CUT TO:
EXT. FIRE ESCAPE - CONTINUOUS
Phil plops out of the window and onto the fire escape. He
pants.
Antigone starts to climb upwards.
PHIL
Wait, where are you going?
ANTIGONE
Up.
She keeps climbing.
PHIL
Wait for me!
He begins to climb up after her.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROOF - NIGHT
Antigone appears over the edge of the ladder and hops up onto
the roof. Phil follows moments later, panting.
PHIL
(out of breath)
Do you do this often?
ANTIGONE
Yes, actually.
She sits down against a wall. The city lights reflect gently
off her face. Phil gazes at her in awe.
ANTIGONE
(brusquely)
Pop a squat. We might be here a
while.
PHIL
There's nowhere I'd rather be.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROOF - LATER
Phil and Antigone sit close together, looking out over the
buildings below.
ANTIGONE
I used to do this in college all
the time. I miss going roofing.
Better than a party any day.
PHIL
I don't get you. You'd rather hide
in a bathroom and climb onto the
roof of your building than make
your friends get out of your
apartment?
Phil stretches and yawns and in the process tries to put his
arm around Antigone. She notices and rolls her eyes, but
lets him do it anyway.
ANTIGONE
I guess it does sound kind of
silly. I hate confrontations, is
all.
A pigeon lands on the roof. Antigone stands up.
ANTIGONE (CONT'D)
I get very anxious. I'm an artist,
a neurotic flaky artist, and a bad
goth to boot.
She chases the pigeon and it flies away.
PHIL
How can you be a bad goth? You're
all vampirey and stuff. You own a
coffin, for pete's sake.
He stands up.
ANTIGONE
It was my dad's.
PHIL
Okay, that's creepy.
ANTIGONE
No, it belonged to my dad. It was
a prop for a play or something, and
he turned it into a bookcase.
PHIL
That doesn't answer the question.
How are you a bad goth?
ANTIGONE
I don't know. I feel like I don't
fit in. I'm pagan, I draw a comic,
I do in fact own a coffin, but it
feels like I'm missing something.
I feel like a fake.
PHIL
Hey, I just met you, and you're not
a fake anything.
He pokes her.
PHIL (CONT'D)
You're real, and you're right here.
See?
He pokes her in the arm again.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Not a hologram. Not a mirage.
He smells her hair.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Not an android, as far as I can
tell.
ANTIGONE
You are a strange fellow, Philippe.
They laugh. Dawn breaks over the horizon.
ANTIGONE (CONT'D)
You look so familiar. Have I met
you before?
PHIL
Um, no, that's impossible. Totally
impossible.
ANTIGONE
Maybe if you took off your glasses.
She reaches for his glasses. He catches her wrist and holds
it.
PHIL
I'm from Omaha, lady, not
Smallville.
Antigone lets him hold her and draws herself closer to him.
A flock of pigeons flutters overhead.
ANTIGONE
You're a scoundrel.
She looks at him expectantly and flirtatiously.
PHIL
What? Oh, wait! Um, "You need
more scoundrels in your life."
ANTIGONE
I don't like scoundrels, I like
nice men--
PHIL
I'm a nice man.
He kisses her enthusiastically, pushing her up against the
wall. They embrace ecstatically.
Suddenly, a pigeon takes off from the ledge above them and
poops on Phil's head.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Oh gross!
ANTIGONE
What?
She sees the bird crap on his head.
ANTIGONE (CONT'D)
Oh for the love of Bob.
CUT TO:
INT. ANTIGONE'S BATHROOM - DAY
They climb in through the window. Phil peels his shirt off,
turns the shower on and sticks his head under it.
ANTIGONE
I'll get you a towel.
PHIL
Thanks.
He rubs his head thoroughly, squirting every cleaning
solution he can reach into his hair. He rinses frantically,
pawing and clawing at his head.
He pulls himself out of the shower, looking like a wet cat.
Antigone laughs at him and throws him a towel. He wraps it
around his head.
They exit the bathroom
CUT TO:
INT. ANTIGONE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
They survey the damage. The apartment is a mess. Husqvarna
lies passed out in a chair, SNORING loudly. There are cups
all over the floor and a giant puddle of wax underneath the
candelabra on the coffee table.
PHIL
I've seen worse.
ANTIGONE
That's comforting.
Husqvarna stirs.
HUSQVARNA
Ooomph. Great party.
Antigone sighs.
ANTIGONE
Husqvarna, if you don't get your
ass off my floor and make me a pot
of coffee I'm throwing you out the
window.
HUSQVARNA
You couldn't leeft mee eef you
tried.
She gets up anyway and heads to the kitchenette.
PHIL
You want me to stick around? I'm
handy with a...okay I'm not handy
at all. But I do have hands.
ANTIGONE
Nah, go home and take a real
shower. I think this is a job for
the pros, meaning Wesley and
Roxanne.
PHIL
Well then...I guess I'll see you
around.
ANTIGONE
Yeah. Stop by again sometime?
PHIL
Absolutely.
He backs out the door, makes a sweeping bow, and closes it.
CUT TO:
INT. CUBICLE - DAY
Phil sits at his desk. He doodles a picture in Paint. Rod
Mishra appears in his doorway.
ROD MISHRA
Phil! How goes the campaign? Any
developments?
Phil spins around in his chair, knocking his keyboard to the
floor.
PHIL
Um, well, sir, as I'm not trained
in character design this project
has been very difficult for me.
He slides his chair to the side, showing his boss what he was
drawing in paint. It is a very badly drawn picture of a
vampire girl.
PHIL (CONT'D)
I'm trying to work with PR but they
won't get back to me...
ROD MISHRA
That's just what we're looking for,
son. A self-starter. A free
thinker. Who ever heard of--
He squints at Phil's screen.
ROD MISHRA (CONT'D)
Paint? You kids and your
computers.
He slaps Phil on the back.
ROD MISHRA (CONT'D)
Keep up the good work. One day you
might be our top designer.
He leaves the cubicle. Phil sighs with concern.
PHIL
(to self)
But I'm an engineer.
CUT TO:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT - DAY
Phil paces his kitchen carrying a portable phone. Cletus
sits on the couch, arms folded, eyeing Phil with contempt.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
You are a basket case. You are so
pathetic that you practically need
to be carried around in a basket.
Just do it.
PHIL
I can't! I'm terrible on the
phone.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
You're even worse in person. Just
do it.
He stands up.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO (CONT'D)
I'll even dial for you.
He crosses to Phil and grabs at the phone. Phil jerks away,
cradling it in his arms.
PHIL
No! Dammit!
Cletus bear hugs him trying to grab at the phone.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Cletus. Get your damn hands off of
me. This is not a date.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Sorry...
They separate. Phil collapses into his La-Z-Boy. He brushes
his hair back from his forehead. He is sweating and nervous.
He pulls a slip of paper out of his pocket, reads it, and
then dials a number. The phone RINGS.
ANTIGONE (O.S.)
Hello?
PHIL
Antigone? It's Philippe.
CUT TO:
INT. ANTIGONE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Antigone holds an antiquated rotary phone between her
shoulder and ear. She sits at a light table drawing a comic.
Several panels are sketched in on a Bristol board.
ANTIGONE
No way! I was afraid the
connection between my presence and
birds shitting on you would keep
you from calling.
BACK TO:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
PHIL
(enthusiastically)
Oh, no! I'd let birds shit on me
all the time for you. It's no big
deal.
Cletus grimaces.
CUT TO:
INT. ANTIGONE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
She continues to sketch on the drawing board. She draws a
man and a woman standing on a rooftop.
ANTIGONE
There's a fetish I've never heard
of.
BACK TO:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
PHIL
Oh. Um, that's not what I meant.
I--
ANTIGONE (O.S.)
(interrupting)
I know, I'm just kidding.
CUT TO:
INT. ANTIGONE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
ANTIGONE (CONT'D)
Anyway, I'm going to assume from
your call that you'd like to meet
again.
PHIL (O.S.)
Preferably somewhere indoors.
ANTIGONE
How about City Club? I know the
girl who's spinning the early shift
on Friday.
BACK TO:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Phil nods enthusiastically.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
She can't hear you nodding, you
know.
PHIL
Yeah, City Club, spinning, Friday,
sounds great!
CUT TO:
INT. ANTIGONE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
ANTIGONE
You want me to pick you up? Where
do you live, anyway?
BACK TO:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Phil jumps up from the La-Z-Boy.
PHIL
No, I don't live anywhere, really,
I'm, um, a little self-conscious
about my cardboard box. I'm, er,
having it fumigated. It's a mess.
Really.
Antigone (off-screen) LAUGHS.
ANTIGONE (O.S.)
Then I'll just meet you there.
Eleven o'clock okay?
PHIL
Eleven. Yeah.
ANTIGONE (O.S.)
See you then, then.
PHIL
Bye.
ANTIGONE (O.S.)
Bye.
Phil turns off the handset with a BEEP.
CUT TO:
INT. ANTIGONE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Antigone hangs up the heavy phone with a CLICK. She shakes
her head in bemusement and returns to her drawing.
BACK TO:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
I take it you have a date.
PHIL
I have a date.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Then my work here is done.
Cletus heads toward the door.
PHIL
Wait, Cletus?
He stops and turns on his heel.
PHIL (CONT'D)
(embarrassed)
Where's City Club?
CUT TO:
INT. MESSY DORMROOM - NIGHT
Kat sits on her bed talking on the phone.
KAT
I can't believe him. He made a
date to meet this girl at City Club
and he doesn't even know where it
is.
CUT TO:
INT. ABERRANT BOOKS - CONTINUOUS
Wesley leans on the counter, talking on the phone.
WESLEY
That's classically lame. Look, I'm
heading out there myself, you want
me to pick you all up?
BACK TO:
INT. MESSY DORMROOM - CONTINUOUS
KAT
No, I don't think he'd like that
very much. Can you jot down some
directions for me to give him,
though?
CUT TO:
INT. ABERRANT BOOKS - CONTINUOUS
Roxanne skulks around behind Wesley, stamping magazines with
price tags.
WESLEY
Sure. You have to take Main all
the way into Old Town, and then you
hang a right on Starkey Street.
An OLD MAN tiptoes furtively past the counter. He walks
quietly on the balls of his feet and then ducks behind the
curtain into the adult section.
WESLEY (CONT'D)
It turns into O'Neal Boulevard, and
you have to follow it to the corner
of O'Neal and Adams.
Roxanne notices the man and drops his magazines and price
gun. He stomps off toward the back of the store.
WESLEY (CONT'D)
Turn left, and the club is in the
basement of the fourth building on
the--shit.
BACK TO:
INT. MESSY DORMROOM - CONTINUOUS
KAT
Shit what?
WESLEY (O.S.)
Kat, I gotta go. I'll pick you up
tomorrow, okay? Bye.
CUT TO:
INT. ABERRANT BOOKS - CONTINUOUS
Wesley SLAMS down the phone. He picks up the store
microphone.
WESLEY (CONT'D)
(on microphone)
SIR, THERE IS NO MASTURBATING IN
THE STORE.
He drops the microphone and jogs to the back.
WESLEY (CONT'D)
Sir, please come out of there! We
need your ID!
(to Roxanne)
This is what I get for catering to
a niche market.
ROXANNE
You mean selling porn.
WESLEY
Whatever.
Roxanne throws back the curtain. The old man lies on the
floor with his eyes closed, clutching his chest.
ROXANNE
Oh my God! I'll call--
WESLEY
No, don't bother.
He walks up to the old man and pokes him in the side with the
toe of his sneaker.
WESLEY (CONT'D)
Sir? Sir, this may have worked the
first two times, but our sympathies
are running dry.
OLD MAN
But--
He GASPS.
OLD MAN (CONT'D)
My angina...
Wesley crosses his arms. The man opens his eyes and looks up
at him.
WESLEY
If you're going to have any more
attacks, please do them off our
property.
They stare at each other. There is an awkward silence. The
old man GASPS again.
OLD MAN
Oh, fiddlesticks.
He grabs his cane from beside him, gets to his feet, and
walks toward the front of the store.
WESLEY
(calling after him.)
And don't think I didn't see you
put Anal Sluts 4 under your jacket.
ROXANNE
You're sick, you know.
WESLEY
He's sick. I'm thorough.
CUT TO:
INT. PHIL'S CAR - NIGHT
Phil and Cletus drive through the city at night.
PHIL
Are you sure this is where it is?
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Well, I'm just reading off your
cousin's directions.
Phil slows the car down. They pass many decrepit and
abandoned buildings. A SIREN blares in the distance.
Five HOOKERS holler at their car.
PHIL
Oh God. We're going to die.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Phil, hookers are not going to kill
us.
He starts to roll down the window.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO (CONT'D)
That's what pimps are for.
He winks at Phil.
PHIL
What are you doing!?
Cletus motions to the girls. They crowd the open window.
HOOKER 1
Hey boys, want some of this?
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
No thank you, ma'am. We're lost.
Could you tell us where City Club
is?
HOOKER 2
Directions? I never seen any man
ask for directions. You gay or
somethin?
Cletus chuckles.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Why yes.
HOOKER 1
Ah, I got a gay cousin. He nice.
Girls, what we charge for
directions? Twenty?
HOOKER 3
Oh, just tell them, they just
scared gay boys.
PHIL
Um, ma'am, I'm not g--
Cletus puts his hand over Phil's mouth.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Don't interrupt the lady, we need
her help.
HOOKER 1
Just go a block that way--
She gestures to her left.
HOOKER 1 (CONT'D)
And the club's in the basement of
the Lion's Arms hotel. The door's
in the alley.
Cletus sighs with relief.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Thank you so much ma'am.
HOOKER 1
No problem. I'd be there if I
wasn't workin. It's bondage night.
PHIL
Good to know. Thanks again.
Cletus rolls up his window and they drive away.
CUT TO:
EXT. ALLEY - LATER
Cletus and Phil walk down a dark alley.
PHIL
I can't believe you talked me into
leather pants. These things are
like having all my insecurities
distilled and woven into a garment.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Relax, you look great.
PHIL
I don't see it.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Well, it has to be here somewhere.
They look around.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO (CONT'D)
How can there be a sign for the
parking lot for the damn place but
not the club itself?
PHIL
Unmarked doors are so goth.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Point.
There are two doors that open onto the alley. Phil points at
one, raising his eyebrows. Cletus shrugs.
Phil opens the door slightly. As soon as he begins to open
it, GUNSHOTS can be heard from the inside. He lets go of the
handle immediately.
Phil runs to the other door and pulls it open, running
inside. Cletus follows. The door closes behind them.
CUT TO:
INT. CITY CLUB - CONTINUOUS
Cletus and Phil come down a spiral staircase and into the
dance area. The club is a cavernous space filled with
pulsing bodies in all manner of fetish gear--leather, latex,
duct tape, etc.
A BOUNCER stares at them from behind a card table. They
silently and nervously show him their IDs and pay cover.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
I need a drink. Find me later,
okay?
PHIL
Okay.
Phil wanders, dazed, into the club.
CUT TO:
INT. CITY CLUB - LATER
Cletus sits at the bar drinking a beer. Kat and Wesley
approach from behind.
KAT
You finally made it. Is
Phillllllllippe here?
Cletus turns around to greet them.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
No, he's on the floor.
He points to the dance floor. Phil is down there. He spots
Antigone and runs to her. They embrace.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO (CONT'D)
How cute.
WESLEY
Wait, is Philippe your cousin?
KAT
Yeah, dumb fuck almost couldn't
find the place.
WESLEY
That's weird.
Cletus looks at them skeptically.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
It's a fucking basement with an
unmarked door! We had to ask some
streetwalkers for directions or
otherwise he'd be on a date with me
in the middle of downtown, huddling
in the backseat with fear.
KAT
Whatev.
Billy sits down at the bar next to them. He checks out Kat.
BILLY
Hey, baby, wanna flog me?
KAT
What!? Kid, are you even eighteen?
BILLY
My ID says I'm 37.
The Bouncer approaches from behind.
BOUNCER
Kid, I don't know how you keep
getting in here, but the manager
has your mom on the phone.
BILLY
Noooo!
He picks up Billy by the back of his shirt and drags him off.
CUT TO:
INT. CITY CLUB - LATER
Phil and Antigone dance to a pulsing, industrial dance song.
Phil is reserved and awkward.
ANTIGONE
Dude, you act like you've never
danced before.
PHIL
I dunno, it's not my thing.
ANTIGONE
For crying out loud, half the
people here have outfits made of
tape. Do you think it's possible
to embarrass yourself?
He shrugs, but begins to dance more enthusiastically.
CUT TO:
INT. CITY CLUB - LATER
Kat and Cletus sit at the bar, watching the dancers.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
I thought I'd seen everything.
KAT
What?
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Look who's dancing in the cage.
They glance toward the dance floor. Phil is dancing in a
cage elevated above the rest of the dance floor. He does the
robot, then freestyles.
KAT
Goddess help us.
He pulls Antigone up into the cage with him, and they dance
together.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Those two are made for each other.
Wesley comes back to the bar and follows their gaze to the
cage.
Antigone and Phil start making out in the cage. A cheer
comes up from the crowd.
CUT TO:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER
Phil and Antigone stumble out of the stairway and into the
hallway, trying to walk and kiss at the same time.
CUT TO:
INT. ANTIGONE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
They enter the apartment, close the door, stumble forward a
few steps, and then collapse on the floor, undressing each
other.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
INT. ANTIGONE'S BEDROOM - MORNING
Phil lies face down on Antigone's black four-poster bed. A
purple blanket has been tucked in around him. He SNORES.
The room is very small but is full of very large furniture,
including the bed, an armoire, and a vanity. Every available
surface is covered with candles (unlit), trinkets, old toys,
and books.
Antigone enters. She wears a black bathrobe. She opens the
heavy red and purple curtains.
Sunlight streams in and illuminates Phil's face. He stirs.
She leaves.
CUT TO:
INT. ANTIGONE'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
Phil stumbles out of her bedroom. He has a large blanket
wrapped around him as a cape, covering his whole body.
ANTIGONE
Coffee?
PHIL
Murrfle.
ANTIGONE
I know exactly what you mean.
He sits down on the couch and GRUNTS.
PHIL
Urhhhhhhh.
Antigone busies herself around the kitchen.
ANTIGONE
Lemme guess. Words just don't
express the feelings you're
experiencing.
PHIL
Urgh.
ANTIGONE
You've been struck mute by my
athletic lovemaking?
PHIL
Hrrrrrm.
ANTIGONE
My very presence has eliminated all
blood flow to your brain and
redirected it to---
Phil jumps up and the blanket flies off.
PHIL
Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgh!
He tackles her on the floor of her kitchenette.
ANTIGONE
(singing)
Sweet mystery of life, I've finally
found thee...
CUT TO:
MONTAGE: PHIL AND ANTIGONE IN LOVE, PHIL HATES HIS JOB
EXT. PARK - AFTERNOON
Phil and Antigone have a picnic in a park. They toast each
other with juice boxes.
INT. BOARDROOM - DAY
Phil sits in a meeting listening to Rod Mishra drone about
publicity.
INT. ANTIGONE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Antigone sketches at her table while Phil sleeps on her
couch.
INT. MALL PIZZERIA - NIGHT
Antigone and Phil sit outside the pizza place staring at
passers by. They give particularly surly looks to one YOUNG
COUPLE, who scamper off frightenedly. Antigone and Phil
burst into laughter.
INT. CUBICLE FARM - BREAK ROOM - AFTERNOON
Phil sits at a table in the break room, sipping a cup of
coffee. His nails are painted black and his hair is a mess.
He stares down at a blueprint of an electric razor and SIGHS.
END MONTAGE
CUT TO:
INT. MALL PIZZERIA - NIGHT
Phil and Antigone share a pizza. He stares at his slice.
ANTIGONE
You know, there are no Philippe
Rojays in the phone book.
He continues to stare at his slice. He looks at one
pepperoni very closely.
ANTIGONE (CONT'D)
I even googled you. No luck. So
who are you, exactly?
Phil blinks but keeps looking down.
ANTIGONE (CONT'D)
Philippe, snap out of it.
Phil sighs.
PHIL
Sorry, I've had a rough week.
ANTIGONE
Yeah, not existing is really hard.
I mean, do you have a job? An
address? If you live with your
parents, that's okay--
PHIL
I don't live with my parents. It's
just...
ANTIGONE
What? I know a lot of weird
people, hon. You're not going to
freak me out.
PHIL
I'd prefer to ignore it for as long
as possible. That always makes my
problems go away.
Antigone folds her arms and glares at him.
PHIL (CONT'D)
I make razors. And it really
blows.
CUT TO:
INT. TGI FRIDAY'S - DAY
Phil, Cletus, Rod Mishra, Sally, Jon, and several other
colleagues sit at a large booth in the restaurant. Phil and
Cletus are stuck in the back corner looking very
uncomfortable.
PHIL
(whispering to Cletus)
Kill me now.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
(whispering back)
At least it's a free lunch.
ROD MISHRA
Thank you all for coming out to
lunch with us. As a showing of
corporate solidarity, if you all
wouldn't mind, ahem, picking up
your own checks, that would be
great.
Cletus throws his head back against the booth.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
(whispering)
Forget you, I'm going to kill him.
Phil's eyes scan the restaurant in boredom. Suddenly, he
snaps to attention.
PHIL
Oh my God.
Antigone stands at the waitresses' station talking to a
manager. She wears the TGI Friday's uniform of suspenders
and self-loathing instead of her usual exotic regalia.
Cletus follows Phil's eyes and sees Antigone.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
She looks cute in those suspenders.
PHIL
Shut up, I don't want her to see
me.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
(sarcastic)
But she'll never recognize you in
your disguise as Phil Rogers,
corporate drone.
PHIL
Shut up! It was your idea.
Phil tries to stand up and crawl out of the booth over the
other people sitting there, but it's too late. Antigone
approaches his table.
ANTIGONE
(rapidly)
Hi, my name is Ann and I'll be your
server for this afternoon. Could I
start you off with some zippy
wings, crusty bits, salmon snafus,
or lotus petals? Our drink
specials are...
She sees Phil, although he looks down and tries to avoid her
gaze.
ANTIGONE (CONT'D)
Oh, hi Phil! Haven't seen you in a
while.
(addressing Cletus)
Hey...
(back to addressing Phil)
I'm sorry, what's your boyfriend's
name again?
The other employees and Rod stare at her, Phil, and Cletus in
awkward silence.
Phil clears his throat.
PHIL
This is Cletus.
Cletus extends his hand.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Charmed.
There is more awkward silence.
SALLY
My brother is gay. Do you know
him?
Cletus sighs and rubs his forehead.
Antigone realizes the awkwardness is her fault.
ANTIGONE
Um. So. Who wants a drink?
The whole table answers in the affirmative and at once.
CUT TO:
INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Phil talks on the phone to Antigone. He is wearing his goth
clothes and glasses.
PHIL
A convention?
ANTIGONE (O.S.)
Yeah, nerds and all. I need to
promote my new book. If you come
keep me company you can get in for
free.
PHIL
I don't know. I have a lingering
allergy to pointy ears...
ANTIGONE (O.S.)
Oh shut up.
PHIL
I'm just kidding. Of course I'll
go.
ANTIGONE (O.S.)
Great. Then I'll talk to you
tomorrow.
PHIL
Bye sweetie.
He hangs up the phone. He turns on the TV and reclines in
his La-Z-Boy to watch the news.
NEWSCASTER
---killer mold. Thank you, Amanda.
New research from the Centers for
Disease Control suggests that an
apple a day could keep the doctor
away...or give you smallpox. With
more on the story is--
There is a KNOCK at the door.
Phil turns off the TV with a CLICK. He looks through the
peephole.
I/E. LOOKING OUT THROUGH PHIL'S PEEPHOLE.
Antigone stands at his door, dressed in her work clothes.
PHIL
(under his breath)
Oh shit.
(shouting)
Just a minute!
He runs around the living room, stripping off his pants and
shirt until he finds a bathrobe. He throws it on and stuffs
his glasses into the pocket.
He answers the door, out of breath.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Yeah? What do you want?
ANTIGONE
(embarrassed)
Hi, did I catch you in the middle
of something?
PHIL
Um, not really. I'm by myself, so
it's a bad time to embarrass me in
public. Try back tomorrow.
ANTIGONE
Look, I'm really sorry.
She looks him in the eyes.
ANTIGONE (CONT'D)
Are you related to a guy named
Philippe Rojay?
PHIL
What? No, never heard of him. Was
there something you needed?
ANTIGONE
Geez, I just wanted to apologize.
I knew suck at waitressing, I guess
I suck at life too. Tell Cletus
I'm sorry too.
She walks off.
Phil closes the door with a gentle CLICK.
CUT TO:
INT. CUBICLE FARM - BREAK ROOM
Cletus and Phil talk.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
You have to tell her.
PHIL
I can't. I don't want to lose her.
I refuse to lose her.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
Listen to yourself. You're talking
like an 80's physical fitness
slogan or something.
PHIL
No. She's mine.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
No, she's not. You did win her
over on a pretense.
PHIL
Which was your idea! You have to
help me explain all this to her.
Rod Mishra enters.
ROD MISHRA
Hey boys, no snuggling on the job!
Phil stands up.
PHIL
Sir, that is really offensive.
Your flippant remarks are making me
and my co-worker feel really
unsafe. Can we take our coffee
break in peace without threat of
harassment because of our perceived
sexual orientations?
Rod stares at them and blinks. He backs out the door and
leaves.
CLETUS PLUMUNDO
I think I love you.
PHIL
Don't start.
CUT TO:
INT. ANTIGONE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Phil, Antigone, Wesley, Kat, and Roxanne sit around
Antigone's apartment eating Chinese food out of cartons.
They all drink wine and are fairly tipsy. Buffy the Vampire
Slayer plays on the TV in the background.
ANTIGONE
Now this is what I call a party.
WESLEY
You are so lame.
ANTIGONE
I am not, in fact, lame. You are
the one who is lame. Next time you
feel like a costume ball, lame one,
have it at the bookstore.
Wesley looks shocked.
WESLEY
It would be such a mess!
Everyone stares at him.
WESLEY (CONT'D)
What?
ROXANNE
Do you ever open your mouth except
to change feet?
WESLEY
Do you ever open your mouth except
to insert donuts?
Roxanne opens her mouth indignantly, finds nothing to say,
and then bites into an egg roll.
Phil stands up. He raises his glass.
PHIL
Friends, I would like to propose a
toast.
Kat raises her glass.
KAT
Hear, hear.
She chugs it back and then wipes her mouth on the back of her
hand.
KAT (CONT'D)
Um, can you pour me some more?
Wesley rolls his eyes and pours.
PHIL
To Wesley, the snark. To Roxanne,
the lovely. To Kat, my cousin, the
lush. And especially, to Antigone,
the beautiful and talented.
Antigone blushes and looks down.
ANTIGONE
Oh, stop it.
PHIL
To our crappy jobs. Especially my
crappy job because it's crappy. To
our night lives because they are
not crappy. To the night. To the
roof. To romance. To--
Wesley interrupts.
WESLEY
To poseurs. And sad old men
wanking off in my back room.
ROXANNE
To bondage Scrabble.
ANTIGONE
You are not playing that here.
ROXANNE
I know! I'm just toasting to it!
Antigone gets up and puts her arm around Phil. She raises
her glass.
ANTIGONE
Okay, I didn't make this up, but I
want to use it: to absent friends,
lost loves, old gods, and the
season of mists; and may each and
every one of us give the devil his
due.
EVERYONE
Hear, hear.
They toast and drink. Phil and Antigone kiss.
CUT TO:
INT. ANTIGONE'S BEDROOM - LATER
Phil and Antigone lie in bed together. It is dark and quiet.
PHIL
That was a really nice toast you
made.
ANTIGONE
You too.
There is a silence. Phil moves closer to Antigone and puts
his arms around her. He leans in and smells her hair.
PHIL
I love you.
ANTIGONE
I know.
CUT TO:
INT. ABERRANT BOOKS - AFTERNOON
Wesley staffs the front counter. Rain pours outside.
Antigone and Husqvarna enter. Antigone carries a small box
and Husqvarna carries an enormous one. Antigone sets hers on
the counter. Husqvarna drops hers on the floor with a loud
THUD.
ANTIGONE
This is the last of them. The big
box is monthlies and the small one
is my new stuff.
WESLEY
Thanks for picking those up for us,
An.
Antigone searches her pockets.
ANTIGONE
No problem.
She finds a pocketknife and opens it. She then cuts open the
small box.
HUSQVARNA
Oooh! I vant to see!
Antigone pulls out a perfect-bound volume of her comic, Black
Hearts and Wilted Flowers.
ANTIGONE
(excited)
This is so awesome. The comic has
been doing so great...
Wesley strokes his chin.
WESLEY
Yeah, it's been a lot different
lately. Since you hooked up with
that Phil guy.
ANTIGONE